The Ups & Downs, Highs & Lows and Everything in Between
I've debated on posting this. I've debated on doing a pregnancy announcement at all this go around. When you're on your ninth pregnancy, praying for it to be your second successful pregnancy, emotions flare. The anxiety is almost overwhelming. With that being said, there's been a tug on my heart to tell my story. My infertility specialists asked me to tell my story, to inspire other women to not give up. Although I do hope this blog inspires other women struggling on their infertility journey to not give up, I hope more that it informs those that are unaware, how many of us struggle to have a family. One in Eight. One in eight women struggle and I honestly believe it's more than that. I don't have a single friend that I know of that hasn't had some hiccup in their fertility journey. I will not tell you their story, but now, I am going to tell you mine.
Disclaimer** I am NOT a writer. Do not expect any literary genius. Expect typos. Expect run on sentences. Expect long ramblings of thoughts and emotions. Expect me to jump around A LOT.
Throughout this blog there will be multiple posts of my infertility timeline. What I've been through over the past four years. What my family has been through. What I've put my family through. What I've put everyone around me through. The great highs I've experienced and the miserable lows. The overwhelming comfort I've felt and the deep down rock bottom loneliness I've felt. Infertility is a true emotional rollercoaster. Experiencing it nine times will privy you to every emotion you weren't prepared for.
I will say that a large portion of my ride was done "alone" without God. Thankfully, this past year I have experienced His love in a way that I never have and it has allowed me to persevere in ways I didn't know I had in me.
My body has experienced nine pregnancies (still experiencing the ninth). Twelve babies. 7 Miscarriages. Three of the miscarriages were over Christmas (2015, 2017 and 2018). One successful pregnancy that gave me my greatest gift - My beautiful daughter Mabel. One current pregnancy that we are praying for a positive outcome of two perfect twin boys.
I often get asked, "how do you do it"? To be honest, I don't know. My fertility doctor said I'm determined. I typically answer "I run". Running is my therapy. Running gets me out of my head. After every miscarriage I give myself 48 hours to be sad. And yes I mean devastatingly sad. I don't care if you've know you were pregnant for 12 hours or 12 weeks... seeing two pink lines brings on all of the emotions, hopes, dreams and the longing for a baby. Don't assume you know what's someone's going through until you've asked... we're all on our our rollercoasters. (things NOT to say to someone going through a miscarriage) The planning begins no matter how scared you are. And every time that is taken away from you, it's like a piece of your soul cracks. After 48 hours, I pick myself up. I put on my running shoes and off I go. It's typically on that first run that I convince myself that we're going to try again. That I'm going to do this for me, for Brendan, and most of all, for Mabel. Giving up is not an option and I thank God that my husband didn't persuade me to quit.
My family and my friends have played no small role in this journey. Without them I wouldn't have gotten this far in my journey. And yes, they said the wrong things at the wrong times, not out of malice but just because no one knows what to say when you're experiencing miscarriage. But mostly, they were THERE when I needed them and they let me be when I needed to work this out on my own. They were unwavering and I am so thankful for that. Although it has brought me closer to some of my family and friends, it has also strained relationships. Don't think you're crazy to think that infertility has estranged you from friends, your parents or your husband. It is HARD. It makes you hard. It makes you mean, angry, defensive, pitiful, sad, quick tempered. All the bad traits. It makes you those things. So of course your relationships are going to be strained. Hopefully, you have people in your life that can sympathize with you even if they haven't experienced what you're going through. Hopefully, even if they can't sympathize with you they can forgive you when you come out on the other side. I promise, you will come out on the other side. I did and I have an army of people supporting me that I am eternally grateful for.
That army was with me last night. They helped me celebrate the fact that after all of the loss and heartache that God has blessed me with TWIN BOYS. They are here now to help me through this pregnancy, which doesn't have its small share of complications, but the outlook is looking positive! We are so EXCITED and all of the pain is so so so worth it. Seeing those baby boys kick and feeling them flutter is so amazing. Sharing it with Mabel has been nothing short of a dream. Watching my husband feel the joy and sharing this with my family is worth every single second of agony I've experienced.
Thank you Brendan for not letting me give up. Thank you Mabel for loving on Mommy even when you didn't understand why I was sad. Thank you to all of my friends for being there no mater what! Thank you to my family for your unwavering love. I love you all so much!
So keep reading if you want to know the ins and outs of my journey.
Wright Thomas and Brendan Allen, we cannot wait to meet you!!
Disclaimer** I am NOT a writer. Do not expect any literary genius. Expect typos. Expect run on sentences. Expect long ramblings of thoughts and emotions. Expect me to jump around A LOT.
Throughout this blog there will be multiple posts of my infertility timeline. What I've been through over the past four years. What my family has been through. What I've put my family through. What I've put everyone around me through. The great highs I've experienced and the miserable lows. The overwhelming comfort I've felt and the deep down rock bottom loneliness I've felt. Infertility is a true emotional rollercoaster. Experiencing it nine times will privy you to every emotion you weren't prepared for.
I will say that a large portion of my ride was done "alone" without God. Thankfully, this past year I have experienced His love in a way that I never have and it has allowed me to persevere in ways I didn't know I had in me.
My body has experienced nine pregnancies (still experiencing the ninth). Twelve babies. 7 Miscarriages. Three of the miscarriages were over Christmas (2015, 2017 and 2018). One successful pregnancy that gave me my greatest gift - My beautiful daughter Mabel. One current pregnancy that we are praying for a positive outcome of two perfect twin boys.
I often get asked, "how do you do it"? To be honest, I don't know. My fertility doctor said I'm determined. I typically answer "I run". Running is my therapy. Running gets me out of my head. After every miscarriage I give myself 48 hours to be sad. And yes I mean devastatingly sad. I don't care if you've know you were pregnant for 12 hours or 12 weeks... seeing two pink lines brings on all of the emotions, hopes, dreams and the longing for a baby. Don't assume you know what's someone's going through until you've asked... we're all on our our rollercoasters. (things NOT to say to someone going through a miscarriage) The planning begins no matter how scared you are. And every time that is taken away from you, it's like a piece of your soul cracks. After 48 hours, I pick myself up. I put on my running shoes and off I go. It's typically on that first run that I convince myself that we're going to try again. That I'm going to do this for me, for Brendan, and most of all, for Mabel. Giving up is not an option and I thank God that my husband didn't persuade me to quit.
My family and my friends have played no small role in this journey. Without them I wouldn't have gotten this far in my journey. And yes, they said the wrong things at the wrong times, not out of malice but just because no one knows what to say when you're experiencing miscarriage. But mostly, they were THERE when I needed them and they let me be when I needed to work this out on my own. They were unwavering and I am so thankful for that. Although it has brought me closer to some of my family and friends, it has also strained relationships. Don't think you're crazy to think that infertility has estranged you from friends, your parents or your husband. It is HARD. It makes you hard. It makes you mean, angry, defensive, pitiful, sad, quick tempered. All the bad traits. It makes you those things. So of course your relationships are going to be strained. Hopefully, you have people in your life that can sympathize with you even if they haven't experienced what you're going through. Hopefully, even if they can't sympathize with you they can forgive you when you come out on the other side. I promise, you will come out on the other side. I did and I have an army of people supporting me that I am eternally grateful for.
That army was with me last night. They helped me celebrate the fact that after all of the loss and heartache that God has blessed me with TWIN BOYS. They are here now to help me through this pregnancy, which doesn't have its small share of complications, but the outlook is looking positive! We are so EXCITED and all of the pain is so so so worth it. Seeing those baby boys kick and feeling them flutter is so amazing. Sharing it with Mabel has been nothing short of a dream. Watching my husband feel the joy and sharing this with my family is worth every single second of agony I've experienced.
Thank you Brendan for not letting me give up. Thank you Mabel for loving on Mommy even when you didn't understand why I was sad. Thank you to all of my friends for being there no mater what! Thank you to my family for your unwavering love. I love you all so much!
So keep reading if you want to know the ins and outs of my journey.
Wright Thomas and Brendan Allen, we cannot wait to meet you!!
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